In light of the current financial crises...

here's a handy musical explanation,

LYING: IT'S IN THEIR DNA

Anyone who has seen Tony Snow lately can't help but notice his loss of hair and weight. He doesn't look good. That's understandable, since he's undergoing chemotherapy, which wreaks havoc on the body while working to kill the cancer cells.

But, in his resignation announcement, he claimed he was leaving simply because he needs to make more money. He made no mention of of the toll cancer and chemotherapy are taking upon his life and health.

It's probably true that he needs to make more money. Everybody does. But why in the hell can't he say that he needs to focus on his health, and getting well? So that he can be there for his family? Why can't he tell the truth?

Okay, that's a stupid question. He can't tell the truth because no one in this administration can. They lie. All the time. About everything: The reasons we went into Iraq. Torture. Secret prisons. Secret renditions. Warrantless wiretaps. Habeas Corpus. What they had for dinner last night. Their cholesterol count. Body counts.

You name it, they lie. It's in their nature. They can't help it. The only solution is for them to go away, which they are thankfully doing.

Alternate Universe: Craig's Final Statement

I AM NOT GAY! I'VE NEVER BEEN GAY!

Sure, I've had sex with other men. In public bathrooms. But that was years ago, when I was in college. And, besides, isn't it the point of higher education to experiment?

Also, I was drunk. And confused. I was smoking a lot of pot and my defenses were down. Is it my fault these guys were so HOT?

Why can't I tap my foot in a stall? And move it over to rest innocently next to the foot of the guy next to me? I just like to compare shoes, and his were really HOT!

Yes, I still oppose gay rights and marriage. Two guys hooking up to have sex? In a bedroom? In private? Aren't they aware of the many fine public facilities in our nation's parks, airports and bus stops? What is wrong with these perverts? It's disgusting.

So, I'm resigning. I need to spend more time with my family. I'll also be going into rehab, where I can be cured of all those feelings and urges I already don't have. Because, I AM NOT GAY!

So, all you liberals and atheists and homosexuals can just go fuck yourselves. Which, come to think of it, would be really HOT!

Gonzo Is NOT Fredo!

In the Godfather movies, "Fredo" is the dimwitted older brother of Michael Corleone, who betrays the family and ends up getting a bullet in the back of the head while fishing on Lake Tahoe.

Gonzo may be dimwitted, but he will never betray King George. Calling him "Fredo" is way off the mark. Gonzo is more like Luca Brasi, who actually was as stupid as Gonzo and wound up "sleeping with the fishes" because of his unswavering loyalty to Don Corleone.

King George's Speech today--Condensed Version

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Give me the TOOLS I need, or the KILLERS will KILL you. Do you want to be KILLED? Cuz I don't. No one wants a lot of KILLING to go on, Unless we're the ones doing the KILLING. Cuz that would be COOL.

KARL ROVE: Brain Damaged Insect

Ever since regaining control of congress Democrats have been salivating over the possibility of getting Karl Rove in front of a congressional panel. King George, of course, will never allow this to happen.

The question is, why are Democrats so insistent, and why is Bush so resistant? For six years Rove has infested the same nest as all of the lackeys, stooges and toadies that have already been hauled before Congress. Being in such close contact, breathing the same rareified and poisonous air, he has surely by now been infected by the same disease the others suffer from: Selective amnesia.

Any questions put to him by outraged and skeptical senators--any question of significance--would be met by endless variations of: "I don't recall" "I don't remember" "I am not aware" "I was not involved" "I cannot answer that" and yada yada yada.

This reign will never give up anything to anyone that would reveal even the smallest details of its criminal operations. While Rove is highly overrated as a political mastermind, he is certainly no idiot. Gonzo, however, is, but even he was able to remember his I-don't-know-nothing script. Rove could bring this to a level of near perfection.

HEARTBREAK ON THE HOME ROMANCE FRONT

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Andy Borowitz has a funny post here about the problem of sexually harassing yourself when you work at home.

I have the same problem. However, while I do work at home, I also work in a large building with a lot of other people. There is absolutely no one in my own department I would like to harass, but there are plenty of other women running around this place that I would definitely be interested in giving probable cause to sue me at some later date. However, if I was to even look sideways at them they would immediately kill and dissect me, then send my various body parts off to the lab for detailed analysis. They are nurses, and nurses are harsh.

But, getting back to working at home, I have come to the sad conclusion that I am just not interested in sexually harassing myself. I'm not attracted to me. I'm too skinny and am going bald. There is nothing about me that turns me on. I actually repulse me.

Besides, the images I conjure up of me having a romantic relattionship with me are so laughable, ridiculous and embarrasing that I always end up having to drink them away. (Hey! There's a thought--maybe I could drink myself pretty--nah, there's no way I could afford that much liquor).

At any rate, check out Andy's piece. It's a lot funnier and he uses bigger words.