In fact (contradiction alert!), an opinion doesn't actually exist. It cannot be held, touched, fondled, prodded or poked with a hot stick (which is kind of a shame, if you think about it).
For example: It is my opinion that Ann Coulter and Michelle Malkin are the evil, bastard satanic clones of Eva Braun's even eviler nazi twin brother, Clyde. I believe this with all of my heart and soul, yet I know that, without the proper documentation (which was destroyed during the Watergate break-in), it is still just an opinion.
So, remember that whenever you read or hear anything by any blogger, columnist, pundit, talking head, politician, batshit-insane-evanagelical-fundamentalist-hair model TV preacher (Ted Haggard Alert! Jimmy Swaggart alert! Pat Rober--Oh Hell, there's too damned many alerts going on here!), they are just giving you opinions, which have no more weight, heft or substance than the gaseous, bilious, odious emissions of your average computer salesman.
Unless, of course, they are my opinions.
RESEARCH: A boring, repetitious, tedious, hideous, useless activity that, when practiced, requires the user to actually think about, and back up with facts, the worthless, flatulent, crappy drivel they are writing. As any reader of blogs knows, RESEARCH has been outlawed in all but name only (Extra credit: Ann Coulter, Michelle Malkin--discuss among yourselves).
FACTS: Wonderfully flexible and malleable, FACTS are particularly useful because you can just make them up as you go along! We're winning in Iraq! We don't torture! I've been bitten by a radioactive beetle (Ringo Starr) and am now growing an exoskeleton!) See how easy it is? Remember, you are entitled to not only your own opinions, but your own fucking facts as well. Goddamnit.
THEORY: Some people believe that it would hurt more if someone shot a bullet at them rather than simply tossing it at them. They base this groundless assumption in part on the now thoroughly discredited (by respected and revered creation scientists) Theory of Relativity. This laughable and absurd example of "magical thinking", dreamed up by a patent clerk (you gotta be fucking kidding me--a clerk!???) has something to do with mass and velocity and light rays striking the degraded retinas of my bloodshot, hungover eyes (I told you it was stupid).
I would say a THEORY is as worthless as an OPINION, but that would be an insult to OPINIONS everywhere. To give one more example, think of the Theory of Evolution. If it was based on any kind of scientific evidence, then it wouldn't be just a crappy theory, would it? Well, would it???
BELIEFS: These are facts, because if you believe in something, then it's true. For example, some people believe that dinosaurs and humans once coexisted. They believe that the "Flinstones" was actually the first animated documentary and that Jesus, if he had wanted to, could have ridden a velociraptor into Bethlehem. I disagree with them, mainly because it's well known that velociraptors are very hard to domesticate, but, since they believe these things, then they are true. THAT'S the awesome power of BELIEFS. Plus, just like facts, you can make them up.
NOTE: By now you've realized that this dictionary is not in alphabetical order. This is because I refuse to be bound by the rigid and arbitrary rules of a soon to be dead language, Within twenty years we'll all be either speaking Chinese or living in re-education camps. Let's continue...
ARGUABLY: As in: "Dick Cheney is arguably the most powerful and secretive vice president in history", or "This album is arguably Dylan's best since the early seventies".
Arguably means "debatable" and is just another way of saying "in my opinion." I'm okay with it's use in remarks such as the one about Cheney (after all, some people would claim that Millard Fillmore's vice president was the most powerful and secretive in history and cite as evidence the fact that to this day we don't even know his name), but to use it in a movie, music or book review is ridiculous. Either you think it's Dylan's best album, or you don't. Either way, we know it's your opinion, and if you are implying it's debatable, then who in the hell are you debating with? The drone in the next cubicle? Your cat? The voices in your head?
Leave the word arguably to boring, dull, clueless political wonks. Like George will. Or David Broder. Useless hacks. Oh, how I hate them!
Extra Credit: Lock yourself in a soundproof room. Say ARGUABLY over and over and over again. After awhile it will sound like your speaking Klingon. Put this interesting phenomenon on your Why-I-Can't-Get-A-Date List.
FUCKING WINDOWS: I wanted to copyright this phrase, but found out it was already in the public domain. It really doesn't need a definition (especially among Windows users) but for further information refer to "the page cannot be displayed" or "you have lost your connection to the internet"---phrases that appearr regularly on my computer screen. FUCKING WINDOWS, indeed.
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