My Candidate's "Faith" Response

Question: How does your faith affect your political beliefs?

Answer: It doesn't. In fact, it's none of your business. Wait! Let me be clearer on the subject: It's none of your fucking business. Or anyone else's, for that matter.

I'm not running as God's candidate. I'm not applying to be his spokesperson. I don't believe he's chosen a political party. I don't think he's a registered Republican or Democrat. If anything, he's probably an Independent, but I can't guarantee that, either.

God is up there, or out there, or somewhere, very busily running a universe. He's got enough on his hands-- what with making sure that gravity works, light travels at the right speed, that every action has a reaction and yada, yada, yada.

What he's NOT doing is running our country. That's our job. We wrote the constitution. We wrote the Bill of Rights. We established checks and balances. We created a democracy. We are to ones who make it work--or not.

I'm applying for the job of running our country. I want to be the Top Guy, the one who makes sure we even have a country. I want to protect our civilization, by ensuring our rights and freedoms. I'm not going to ask God for guidance in these areas, because I don't need to. If I don't already know how to do the right thing, then I have no business being your President. Do you want me to have to ask God for his opinion before I make a decision? Should we turn the Oval Office into a shrine? Should I just pray for guidance every morning and then do what the voice in my head tells me to do?

I think not. I'm not going to pander to the religious right, or irreligious left, for that matter. It is, after all, the "faith based community" that believes waterboarding, sleep deprivation, stress positions and extremes of hot and cold are not torture. It is people of faith who believe habeas corpus and the Geneva Conventions are "quaint". It is people with a "deep and abiding" love of God who think that AIDS is his punishment for Gays (never mind all those babies who are born with it--there just collateral damage, and besides, they'd probably grow up gay, anyways).

I don't want anything to do with those people. They are dead to me. They are Americans by birth only. They certainly have no concept of what a democracy is. They want a theocracy, and I will fight with every fiber of my being to stop them.

So, that is my answer, Mr. Journalist. Next question?

(BTW, my candidate, sadly, does not exist)