HEARTBREAK ON THE HOME ROMANCE FRONT

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Andy Borowitz has a funny post here about the problem of sexually harassing yourself when you work at home.

I have the same problem. However, while I do work at home, I also work in a large building with a lot of other people. There is absolutely no one in my own department I would like to harass, but there are plenty of other women running around this place that I would definitely be interested in giving probable cause to sue me at some later date. However, if I was to even look sideways at them they would immediately kill and dissect me, then send my various body parts off to the lab for detailed analysis. They are nurses, and nurses are harsh.

But, getting back to working at home, I have come to the sad conclusion that I am just not interested in sexually harassing myself. I'm not attracted to me. I'm too skinny and am going bald. There is nothing about me that turns me on. I actually repulse me.

Besides, the images I conjure up of me having a romantic relattionship with me are so laughable, ridiculous and embarrasing that I always end up having to drink them away. (Hey! There's a thought--maybe I could drink myself pretty--nah, there's no way I could afford that much liquor).

At any rate, check out Andy's piece. It's a lot funnier and he uses bigger words.

SO WHAT?

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I mentioned the presidents sky low approval ratings the other day to a guy at work. He sort of shrugged it off by saying, "So what? Congress' is even lower".

That's true. But what's also true is that no one cares, least of all our congressmen. All they worry about is the approval rating in their district. Congress' approval rating my be in the gutter, but as long as most of the people in their districts seem to be happy with them, our representatives will keep doing the same idiotic, ridiculous, criminal, dangerous and pathetic things they do that pass for governance in our once great country.

SIGH

I had this conversation with a friend the other day:

ME: Do you support the president?

HIM: Yes.

ME: Why?

HIM: Because he's my president.

ME: What about Clinton? Did you support him?

HIM: No. I mean, he committed perjury, and that's not right.

ME: But Clinton lied about a blow job. Bush lied us into a war. Lives have been lost because of his lies. And, what about torture? Illegal wiretapping? Secret arrests and detentions? Abu Ghraib?

HIM: What's Abu Ghraib?

Sigh.

TODAY"S E-MAIL!!!

LOSE 30 POUNDS FAST! Really? If I do that I'll die. Send me info on how I can gain 30 pounds and I might be interested.

MY NEW MASTERCARD HAS BEEN APPROVED!!! When did I apply? Why can't I remember? Where's the card? Dammit, is there some identity theft bastard running around with my new credit card?

$1500.oo READY TO BE DEPOSITED IN MY ACCOUNT!!! Finally, some good news! Oh wait, I have to pay it back? At ruinous interest? I'd better think about this.

FREE DOVE BEAUTY SAMPLES!!! Because, if anything, I need to be even more beautiful. It's a curse.

TIFFANI WANTS TO BE MY NEW MySPACE FRIEND!!! Tiffani has posted nude photos of herself. She is 18 and lives in China. If I want to be her friend I just have to give her my credit card number. Is she sincere?